I’ll have to write down topics and themes so that I can better focus my writing. I first encountered stream of consciousness writing, which I’m particularly good at, as it reflects the randomness in my head that I try to get out of my head all at once when I’m brainstorming.
I’m not sure when exactly I started to take on the underdog role growing up. The time frame was definitely during elementary school – I can remember many instances where I realized I defended people due to some social disparity. Whether it was someone being made fun of due to their race (sticking up for other asians), or someone in my neighborhood lumping me into stereotypes they might have seen from television and me, trying to prove them otherwise.
I remember this one time, I was with one of the two childhood friends (who were brothers), and we’re baited into some type of back and forth with the local latino/blacks in the neighborhood. One name calling, led to another, and then led to physical pushing and shoving, and it escalated into a scene, from what I remembered, that didn’t feel right.
We ended up being barricaded by the side of a house, trapped in the walkway, against garage door, and they were blocking the exit. They kicked off the attacks by grabbing my head and slamming it into the concrete wall behind me, that made me realize I needed to get the fuck out of this situation.
We ended up getting out of that incident, but I was bloodied up from them punching and pushing me against the walls of the walkway as we forced our way out. I didn’t know how to defend myself physically, but thankfully I got out of that scenario. I just remembered the bloody mess I was in afterwards and luckily no one was home to see my cuts on my face.
Most of it was due to just being made fun of about my race, and hearing all of the proverbial racist things you’d see re-enacted through media, there were the sounds they were making of the asian accent/jokes about family members, and all. Literally made my blood boil, and I’m pretty sure my slick talk somehow got us into a predicament of being outnumbered and having an ominous feeling about how things will end up.
Another time, at elementary school, someone was making fun of my good friend/best friend during that period, and I remembered standing up to this giant of a kid, and told him to push me around or say whatever he was saying to face. And I proceeded to now just stand up to a bully, picking on a minority, but I knew at that moment, that I wanted to imprint the thought into his that you can not pick on Asians.
I remember being in kindergarten, and I had my first kiss with this girl named Victoria. We were behind the row of cubbies, blocking out the rest of the class, and she gave me a first kiss. Now why, would I remember this? Was it the kiss? No. Not at all.
In true adolescence fickleness, we went from first kiss, to holding hands, to thinking this was life, and then I remember being sick for a day or two and not in school. I came back to class, and unbeknownst to me, our teacher, Ms Ferris, arranged a cross home room exchange, where it was a big ‘ol recess time with another class. And during that time of 1-2 days, Victoria found herself a new boy toy, and I was swiftly replaced.
There was this other girl in class who shared both our current dislike of said kindergartener, and she was slighted for other reasons, and she concocted a plan to scare her as payback. She said her mom was a nurse, and was able to get syringes, and proposed that we pretend we were going to draw her blood like a doctor. Now, I do not remember if it was an actual needle, but the next day, she was committed to the plan, and brought in a needle. (To my young self, it looked like a needle, but how would i know.)
Regardless, I was onboard, and I was ready to go. Victoria bawled her eyes out and told the teacher, and we were put in time out/detention of some sort…
Anyhow, there’s a story/theme to all of this, that I’m still trying to convey textually. Just working the old writing muscle that’s really weak at the moment.
When I get anxious, I use to revert to gaming or reading, or performing sleight of hand to myself to keep my mind at bay. Especially with it being indoor activities, and it’s easily accessible to do so. I’ve even gone out of my way to download games I’ve no longer play and deleted from my phone for accessibility to calm myself.
I noticed even while packing for things, or going away for a day trip or longer. I tend to pack all of my favorite things I use as a coping mechanism in case I have free time. I literally pack my laptop, cards, a book, maybe an iPad (which I don’t ever touch at home.) and notebook or anything else I might need. For some reason, I’d feel naked without those items on me. I realize I overthink the packing process as well, but that might be more of a traveling thing that everyone goes through, than a specific anxiety induced thing I go through. I just don’t travel well.
I feel like I need to be productive or something if I’m not home? I don’t know.
Writing is like a muscle – the more you use it, the better you become, from the adage I remember. I haven’t written in a while, and I want to keep this ongoing. It’s my meditation/therapy. To be able to jot down anything without editing and forming clear thought.
When someone asks me something, whether it’s work related or something relating to a hobby, I tend to have a verbal spew of ideas coming out at the same time that makes it seem like I’m scatter brained. I’ve been noticing more that I need to take a second to breathe and try to settle my thoughts and form sentences that might register to someone, as they aren’t able to read into my mind.
I had a weird obsession with notebooks growing up. When going into a bookstore, I’d look for the moleskin or any small portable notebook that can fit into my pocket/carry around for when inspiration strikes and I need to jot things down. I liked the idea of being able to transfer thought to paper more so than anything. Especially pre-smart phone days. I still prefer to have things on paper than anything else when trying to formulate thoughts.
I’m going to word vomit for a bit. Usually, as the year draws to a close, and a new year begins, you’ll reflect on your past year and whatnot.
2019 – wasn’t a great year.
Not sure how I got through it, but I did. I literally have so much in my mind, that it’s been dragging me down. I was physically writing stream of consciousness type of stuff, but decided to type.
Mental State:I feel like I’ve finally self diagnosed my mental issues, i.e. anxieties, and short comings. Below is what I’ve jotted down.
I have anxiety.
Example one – Say I’m thinking about something while I’m driving, a song I heard, or driving by a new store/restaurant/activity going on in the city, my curious brain is drawn to the to the “What is going on” mode, and I have this impulse to immediately find out what’s going on.
Either by trying to search for it event/place, on my phone, while I’m driving, and I already have a goal/destination in mind, or by making a note of it while driving, and trying to come back to it later. It’s an impulse to know or get something right away.
To go along with that, say I’m trying to learn more about growing an audience with social media (Instagram/Youtube), and I stumble upon a Youtube Channel that I think will help, I literally have to do a deep dive of that topic immediately, along with any other relevant Youtube Channels/Websites/associations that are in relation to what I’m seeing.
In this case, I stumbled upon someone named Vanessa Lau for Youtube growth, and someone else named Jade something that’s aside for how to grow your Instagram etc, I literally have a dozens of tabs open on the subject, but I have NO TIME or REAL INTEREST to get into this endeavor. Well I do, to a degree, but not in the degree where I did have other errands/tasks/anything that I intended to do for the day, gets pushed to the wayside and this gets plopped right on top of everything else I’ve been trying to accomplish.
I am able to recognize this and I can kind of quell my urges. I’m the perfect candidate for infomercials and paid ads on websites, as anything interesting will catch my attention, and then I’ll do a deep dive or its origin, product reviews, and find similar competitors and reddit/google it to death.
Anyways. I’ve been depressed the majority of the year. It ebbs and flows, but I know depression when I’ve seen it. I tried to push through at work, but it caught up to me towards the end of the month. I literally took 10 days off of work to be at home. I didn’t take a break for myself this year.
Mentally, I saw clutter in my physical, my room was a mess, there was unopened mail that was giving me anxiety as well. Just everything was edging me towards mental fatigue and avoiding any resolutions.
I took the first few days to just not do anything, literally. I started off with a list of things I wanted to work on in the upcoming week, as I knew I needed to get it together, or else.
Fold laundry (I literally have not put away my laundry in almost 2 years. Half of my bed is cluttered with laundry and i sleep on one side. The rest of my clothes were in laundry baskets that I plucked items from.
Round up my bills, and sort through them, to see which ones were real and which ones weren’t.
Audit any bills from said mail. (I had a lot of bills that said I owed them money, but it was paid by my health insurance.)
Re-engage with student loans
Clear up my room. (I took a picture it was a mess.)
Take control of my room.
My living situation was a reflection of my cluttered brain. I had so much emotion and anxiety that I didn’t know where to start with.
I did a big push, and cleared out a lot of my mail and cleaned for one day. It was a lot of stop and go action, but I felt better. I took a day off to recover in that, and to give myself credit for what I’ve done. And then I pushed again to go through all of my clothes that I’ve been seeing myself pilfer through in the past few years. I threw whatever I could in bags and it helped greatly.
That gave me some control over things, I felt like I couldn’t use my room as an excuse anymore to why I wasn’t able to work on other parts of my life.
During this time, I forced myself to Xmas shop and look for a possible vacation. I spent 2-4 days mulling over whether or not I should fly out to California for a break. And that was how I staved off being productive and cleaning. I realized that by flying away and coming back, I’d still be in the same situation I was before I left. Just with more money spent. I stopped looking on a Friday, and just made myself stay put. That’s how indecisive I was, spent M-F still having tabs of travel sites up and airbnb’s to stay at in LA, to giving it up.
I’m recapping all of this because this was really more time consuming than I’m detailing. This whole ordeal was a breaking point.
My brain gets worked up easily as of late.
I’ve narrowed down my at home list to the following at least:
Student loans, Dish TV (might be a previous bill they’re still trying to charge me with, i no longer have use it.) and One Credit card.
Surprisingly, silver lining in all of this is I was able to apply for a credit card to raise my credit. I think the bare minimum for background check for rentals is 620 on the FICO scale. (I’m at like 580 due to the previous said student loans and one credit card card in collection.)
I paid off a geico/tufts/emergency room co-pay that were legit. Everything else thankfully taken care of by my insurance.
I have a procrastination issue.
There’s some items that I was suppose to sell off a few years ago, and I still have them lingering. It’s weird, I don’t have urgency for some things, but do for impulse thoughts and other things that come up. My non professional diagnosis is it all relates to anxiety/depressing/dating, which I’ll expand upon even more.
Anyhow, in regards to my room. I’m able to work on the rest of the things lingering as side projects/weekend tasks.
- Closet items
- Electronic Hardware
- Music instruments
- Bed Cabinet
- Magic Books
Sadly, this will be a short post. I can’t do anything about it at the moment. After working out yesterday, I was literally stuck in bed. My body wouldn’t budge, although I did reset my alarm a half hour later and ended up over sleeping that too. I had an appointment at 8:15 am that I couldn’t miss, and dug in hard to push myself up and out of bed. I was really close to rescheduling but happily did not.
I got home and literally ate, digested and passed out from 4-8:30pm. And here i am, about to eat some more, and pass out yet again.
My muscles are giving the big middle finger to my lack of effort towards the treatment of my body, and I can’t do anything about it. I smartly decided not to do any lower body exercises as I knew I had to do a lot of walking today and, and can only imagine how that’s going to be after I attempt to work on that part tomorrow.
Anyhow, this post still counts! I have a better idea on how to organize my posts now, so I’m going to test some ideas out.
started : 10:00 pm
completed: 10:19 pm.
I think the last time I physically worked out was in November, although I’ve been playing basketball intermittently on Sunday afternoons. I’ve mainly been adding a sickening amount of flub on my body, which is pretty gross for my standards, as I like to at least pretend to be in shape. I like to have functional strength for the things I do in life, be it when I trained in Brazilian jiu jitsu, or playing basketball, to having a strong ab core to play drums in long duration.
So it was with great dismay that I saw my weight scale beaming the blueish hue message of 174lbs to my fear stricken eyes. What the F***. My weight normally range around 160-165 at best with muscles, and I’m sure a good chunk of that 173 was done in by my unhealthy fast food eating, snickers and kit kat chocolate candy filled binges. I’ve distinctly remember ordering take-out from Domino’s at least once a week for a month or two, along with many other stuff I’d soon rather not type up. My only defense is that I’m a sucker for t.v. marketing and the 7.99 carry out deals they have is easy to give into when you’re still suffering from a break-up.
Usually, when I jump back into working out after taking a break, I’d go all out and force my body through the punishment my routines and deal with the repercussion for the week. I’ve decided to be smart and ease myself into it this time around, with only 40 pull ups, and a few dozen push ups, and other various things. I still feel the pain, but I hope I’m able to climb out of bed tomorrow as I have to get up ass early like a normal schedule to head into town.
But I have to commit myself to working out again, no matter how painful it is, as I have to get into basketball shape for this summer, with it possibly being the last one or two I’ll have before leaving Boston.
started : 11:30 pm
completed: 11:59 pm.
Wait, today isn’t a Saturday? Shiet…well there goes day one of spring break. Technically, my classes were out since…last Thursday and I really don’t want to think about the things I was planning on doing and the days left I have to apply said tasks. I spent most of my day, carving out a Sheldon like groove into my couch(coincidentally, at the same location on the far left side of the couch that he has on the Big Bang Theory), while watching a slew of cooking channels shows, tv series in syndication at the moment ( Criminal Minds, Psych) and finally rounding out the evening shows of wheel of fortune, ESPN shows, and finally, 2 hours of The Voice.
Haven’t watched the singing show before but it was enjoyable. I did manage to squeeze some physical movement during my lethargic state with some cooking and obligatory dish washing after, but for the most part it, it was bad in hindsight, and I hope I don’t repeat the process anytime else this week.
It’s hard to write at night, especially without mentioning or using your day as a way, in my case, to write something down period. I’ll try to keep it at a minimum and not use it as a cop out topic for writing, or at least make an attempt to reduce the practice.
I did manage to browse a lot of websites with similar themes to get a break from my computer programming that I’m having contempt towards.
Here are 3 great links for those looking for a fresh perspective in life, inspiration, or need a moment to bum around:
Brief intro for all 3 links:
1. Ideas put into action by people who are trying to better you and the world.
2. Ideas and actions by someone who wants to make you a better person.
3. A quick,cute/adorable video that can make you smile, and reminds you that you can still smile, even when you’re feeling like crap.
started : 10:30 pm
completed: 11:58 pm.
I’ve been getting some pretty helpful links/emails from wordpress about proper blogging/stages on improving your blog which I found pretty interesting. They definitely have their help guides down to a science. There was one thing that was annoying me like crazy when I did my last post yesterday, which was not being able to put spaces into my paragraphs without the text turning small. It really annoyed the crap out of me, but luckily it’s not happening again at the moment, so maybe it was just a glitch. I’m still learning the features of this interface, but I didn’t realize you could actually edit the html yourself, so my HTML/CSS class was put to decent use.
Anyhow, I took some thought into what wordpress recommended to develop your blog, which was to keep to a theme/topics (like books/technology), to specialize on a subject and keep it at that. I think that’s something that might intrigue me down the road, and I got kind of carried away with the idea of doing that for my writing now, and had to scale back to why I wanted to write in the first place, which was to just have an outlet, and not to appease any future readers. Hypothetically, if I’d group together all of my hobbies together and make a blog name to tie them together somehow, along with school/self help relating things, and introspective one in general. Sounds time consuming, the worst part is that’s how immersed I can get into a task and i’m planning way ahead of time when I should be focusing on the task at hand.
As for my goal for this blog(even though it’s more like a diary with easier to read text than my handwriting), one of my reasons is to see if i can keep at something consistently, which has been my downfall for most of my life. I usually get into intense spurts of concentrated effort towards whatever interest i’d be into and then leave it for some other subject. I’ve been pretty helpless to my ways, and it’s something I’ve always had to battle, but lately I’ve been winning my share of the struggle.
I’m hoping with this long, long journey ahead that i’ll be able to extract some ideas to put towards a more clearer website. (full disclosure, I just wanted to pass out, but barely opened my eyes enough to type this out, so exhausted from lugging my lard in basketball)
I’ll be pretty stoked if i can keep this up for a week or two without flubbing. In the mean time, bed I go.
started : 10:17 pm
completed: 11:08 pm.